Not even sure of a title for this one...

You know, I know I do a job that not many can do or even want to do but right now, I'm not feeling like I am doing a good job. What's worse is I feel like Zane is truly getting the raw end of the deal. I spend all day working with kids while they try do to simple tasks that may take them 10 times as long as the rest of us but I can wait. This evening while reading with Zane, I couldn't even wait 3 seconds for him to turn the page. I kept telling myself that I should be savoring every second with him but I just couldn't wait for him to turn the page. And then all these horrible thoughts were crossing my mind about how if I'm not going to appreciate the time I have with Zane that someone would decide that I don't deserve him. I know I'm nuts for thinking it but I was. With my job, I simply don't feel qualified to be working with some of the students in my room. I don't have enough of an understanding of many of their issues to feel like I can teach them in a way they can learn. I'm sure people would tell me I am diong a great job but I just don't feel that way today. Not to mention it's getting close to Christmas and I want to do all these things with Zane and I am not finding the time or the energy. What should I be doing with him? I'm not really sure but I know there is something!! We should be making cookies...coloring pictures...buying presents...something! But, school will be out soon enough and we can have fun together. Maybe my New Year's resolution will (again) be getting myself organized. Maybe this will be the year to actually make it work. I know it will solve many of my daily struggles so why can't that be motivation enough?? I'll make a lot of money when I can answer that question...

Santa

I am not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that Zane appears to be interested in Santa now. He even says he wants to go see Santa...which I was sure would not happen this year. When I asked him what he was going to tell Santa he wanted for Christmas, he said, "Cars and trains." Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, either! I guess it's good he is interested in something other than trains but cars?? They take up as much space as trains and we really don't have the space. Oh well....we'll figure it out somehow.

We had a great time in Cleveland for Thanksgiving. Zane loves to watch Grandpa run his trains! I love watching the two of them together...I know Zane's only three but I can see him making a layout someday - maybe even with some of Grandpa's trains. We also went with Aunt Beth, Uncle Peter, Andrew, Maggies and Ethan to help them get their tree. Zane was better dressed than I was! He had boots and snow pants...I had tennis shoes and jeans. It'd be nice if I could remember to pack everything for BOTH of us. Someday.....

Getting pretty emotional the closer the holidays get. Mostly just so thankful for everyone and everything in my life but also that little pang of worry that something could happen to any of us at any time.

Zane's doing great in preschool...except that he talks all the time about what appears to be the 'trouble' child of the class. Today he spit on someone while they were having playtime in the gym. The afternoon teacher said another student ('trouble') had just done it so I'm sure was copying but I was rather appalled. Zane and I talked about it at home and I told him how hurt the other friend probably was. Hoepfully it doesn't happen again. He can count to 39 with a couple prompts and he can count to 10 in Spanish. He also knows the Spanish word for red, yellow, blue and green. I'm just amazed at what he knows!!! I'm excited for his Christmas program coming up! He did say he has been singing Jingle Bells at school so I guess that's one song he'll be singing! Just can't wait!!!

They really can melt your heart...

Just a moment ago, during Noggin's 'Puzzle Time,' Moose says, "What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?" and Zane says, "Mommy and Daddy." Now, if only I can remember this moment the next time I want to bury my head and cry! :-)

Trees

It's amazing that a couple trees can get me down. About a month ago we discovered a water leak in our front yard. You know there's a problem when you have a puddle in the grass and it hasn't even been raining. We figured the one tree would have to go and guessed it was most likely partly responsible for the water leak. It had been damaged in the wind storm in September and we lost a big limb so much of the shade that we had enjoyed was gone so I had pretty much unattached myself from the tree. The other tree had been damaged but nothing had broken. Kurt had used a couple tie-downs to hold a limb on. When we got the note yesterday from the city about the one tree, Kurt called them this morning and told them about the other tree. We figured they would just trim the one limb off but, nope, they cut the whole thing down. Now there is no shade to enjoy. I just keep thinking about the summer...I would have two chairs under the one tree - one for me and the other for Zane. I would read a book and Zane would ride his big wheel up and down the sidewalk. When he was hot or thirsty, he would come sit with me and have a drink. I guess we can move to the tree on the corner. And then maybe next summer there will be a little less of me and the heat won't be such a big deal!! Ha Ha!!

Well, it's Friday night and we are off to Pizza House. Zane and I leave early and go sit by the railroad tracks. We usually get to see a train or even two! He doesn't like it when the engines go by but her sure wants to be right there to watch the rest of the train!!

Let's try again!

Maybe I'll get more down for Zane this time!! I've tried blogging before but didn't keep up with it. Hopefully this time will be better because there is so much I should have recorded for Zane. Maybe the momma guilt will be enough to keep me motivated??! We shall see.....

Currently I am being told that it is time to go to bed. Surprised that Kurt is ready to go to bed this early!! :-)