Sleeping in actually sucks...

It's 7:40 on a Wednesday morning...it's August 25th and I am upset because I am still in bed. I hear school buses going by and I know kids and teachers are going to school. But I'm not. I have no school or classroom to go to. This really sucks.

On the other hand, I'm here with Zane. He's happily playing with his trains and we are heading to the zoo later.

So I guess it doesn't suck too much...but it can sure wreak havoc with your mind, not to mention what it can do to your self-esteem.

Are you there, God? It's me, Mary...

...sorry, still doesn't feel right! LOL I've never been sure how I feel about God but I don't doubt that he exists for others. I've really taken to the idea of 'sending things out to the Universe.' I truly believe that what you send out comes back to you...it's karma on a higher level, maybe. I saw the movie, "Eat, Pray, Love" last week and what stuck with me was when she was at the 'colony' and her friend said something about sending them or thinking of them with Light and Love and then move on. If only we could all do that!! If only we could all just think with light and love...the two most beautiful things in the universe!! Love, well, that's self-explanatory but can take many different forms. And light...light can be many different things - it can be the sun that warms our bodies and helps us see with our eyes but 'light' can also be the lightbulb that comes on when we get a good idea or what helps us to see with our heart. Light could also be what opens our minds to new and different things. If only we could all just live the way...well, I'm having trouble finding the words...maybe it's as simple as treat others as you want to be treated...live your life so that others can see you the way you want them to see you. Huh??! :-) I've even confused myself...I can actually see it in my mind but can't find the words. If you want people to view you as a good person, you have to be a good person. We all make mistakes but that doesn't make you bad. Learn from them...don't dwell on them. Think of them with Light and Love and let them go. Don't dwell on situations that leave you without Light and Love...accept it as the way things are for now, send the situation Light and Love and move on. Do you think I am taking any of my own advice or words of wisdom??! ;-) Being able to move on or to accept things we don't really want to accept isn't easy. But if we don't, we've shut the Light off to something new that may be waiting for us. I think this is a conversation that may continue at a later date...

Tomorrow is the first day of school in the district I taught in last year. The last several days have been rough knowing they were getting ready to start and I'm not there with them. Well, not only am I not there with them , I'm nowhere! I'm not getting ready for any job! And then I get myself excited about being more of a mom this year for Zane in kindergarten and an opportunity comes along that might interfere with that. It's hard...I know I love teaching but it sure was nice thinking I was going to have a lighter schedule so I could do more with Zane and maybe be in his classroom more than I would have been able to. But, taking my own advice, I need to realize that I will still be a good mom and Zane will think nothing less of me if I can't do those things. Zane will go to school every day knowing he is loved and cared for whether I am putting him on the bus or not. He will know that I am here for him whether I get to volunteer in his classroom regularly or not.

Speaking of Zane and school...that boy scares me. LOL I see so much of Kyle in him but Zane already has much more in the way of social skills that Kyle did. Zane's level of intelligence is what scares me. I know he's got the smarts...Kyle's extremely intelligent and so is Kurt. (I know I am too but not at the level the three of them are.) Teachers have it so rough these days with all the levels of learners in their classes but I have to figure out a way to not be one of 'those parents' but also make sure he is being challenged and not getting bored. Uh, oh...I think I already am one of 'those parents.' He's not even started kindergarten yet and I am worried about him being challenged and not getting bored!!

Good Lord, Woman, get it together!! (Take 2)

Hm. Well, here I am again. It's been well over a year since I started this crazy thing and I've done nothing with it. But, so goes a lot of things in my life - I always have good intentions.... My cabinets are FULL of good intentions and my bank accounts have suffered because of my good intentions. Well, the bank account has suffered mainly because I feel better when I am spending money but as I am spending the money, I forget how I will feel later when I am really stretching to make ends meet before the next payday. Anywho.....

Life has gotten interesting as of late...40 is fast approaching and if I were only faced with that, things would be a lot different. But, along with turning 40, I'm unemployed and Zane is about to start kindergarten. Three, pretty big events in one life. But, it's Friday night which means we are heading to Pizza House for our weekly dinner with our favorite server, Shelly!! Nothing really matters when you are sitting at Pizza House eating pizza...or a salad...or fish...or a buffalo chicken sandwhich...or pasta.....maybe tonight I'll splurge and get a glass of wine! Won't hurt my wallet...Kurt's paying!! LOL

Good Lord, Woman, get it together!!!!!

Yes, I am talking about myself! Journaling/blogging should be part of every day...there are so many things that happen each and every day - things that I need to remind myself to be thankful for!!



I started taking a few classes at a place called Harmony House Wellness. LOVE the name...need to get my life into a little more harmony!!! I am taking a nutrition class, a meditation class and an intro to Yoga class. My goal with all of these is to attempt to get my life back to 'center.' I am really not crazy about the person I have become - ride with me in the car for a few miles and you'll get your first clue!!!!! Not at all who I want to be...nor the attitudes and views I want to pass on to Zane. So, this is my start...



I'm also still looking for a new job. I *think* I have my job with the county for one more year but there are no guaratees after that. Westerville is taking their classes back for the 2010-2011 school year and they can decide to hire me or they could decide not to. No matter what happens, it will be a HUGE pay cut. I just get so sad that my experience is what keeps me from even getting an interview. If you have a baby, do you go to the store and buy the cheapest car seat in the store? Do you buy a new car the first year it's on the road? NO! With each of those, you want to know you are getting something that has been tested and put through numerous situations and proven its reliability. You can't get any of that from a teacher that has not held a full-time job. Do they all have to start somewhere? Of course. But don't schools owe it to themselves to make sure they are checking up on all the well-qualified candidates?? I just don't get it...maybe, somehow, they don't feel I am 'well-qualified.' Who knows...it just gets depressing...and then I come back to trying to get my life more centered so that I can be THANKFUL for what I DO have instead of always hoping for something better to come along.



Today I am thankful for reliable babysitters, a roof over my head, food on my table, clothes on my back and a WONDERFUL family. I am truly blessed to have all that I have.

Not even sure of a title for this one...

You know, I know I do a job that not many can do or even want to do but right now, I'm not feeling like I am doing a good job. What's worse is I feel like Zane is truly getting the raw end of the deal. I spend all day working with kids while they try do to simple tasks that may take them 10 times as long as the rest of us but I can wait. This evening while reading with Zane, I couldn't even wait 3 seconds for him to turn the page. I kept telling myself that I should be savoring every second with him but I just couldn't wait for him to turn the page. And then all these horrible thoughts were crossing my mind about how if I'm not going to appreciate the time I have with Zane that someone would decide that I don't deserve him. I know I'm nuts for thinking it but I was. With my job, I simply don't feel qualified to be working with some of the students in my room. I don't have enough of an understanding of many of their issues to feel like I can teach them in a way they can learn. I'm sure people would tell me I am diong a great job but I just don't feel that way today. Not to mention it's getting close to Christmas and I want to do all these things with Zane and I am not finding the time or the energy. What should I be doing with him? I'm not really sure but I know there is something!! We should be making cookies...coloring pictures...buying presents...something! But, school will be out soon enough and we can have fun together. Maybe my New Year's resolution will (again) be getting myself organized. Maybe this will be the year to actually make it work. I know it will solve many of my daily struggles so why can't that be motivation enough?? I'll make a lot of money when I can answer that question...

Santa

I am not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing that Zane appears to be interested in Santa now. He even says he wants to go see Santa...which I was sure would not happen this year. When I asked him what he was going to tell Santa he wanted for Christmas, he said, "Cars and trains." Not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing, either! I guess it's good he is interested in something other than trains but cars?? They take up as much space as trains and we really don't have the space. Oh well....we'll figure it out somehow.

We had a great time in Cleveland for Thanksgiving. Zane loves to watch Grandpa run his trains! I love watching the two of them together...I know Zane's only three but I can see him making a layout someday - maybe even with some of Grandpa's trains. We also went with Aunt Beth, Uncle Peter, Andrew, Maggies and Ethan to help them get their tree. Zane was better dressed than I was! He had boots and snow pants...I had tennis shoes and jeans. It'd be nice if I could remember to pack everything for BOTH of us. Someday.....

Getting pretty emotional the closer the holidays get. Mostly just so thankful for everyone and everything in my life but also that little pang of worry that something could happen to any of us at any time.

Zane's doing great in preschool...except that he talks all the time about what appears to be the 'trouble' child of the class. Today he spit on someone while they were having playtime in the gym. The afternoon teacher said another student ('trouble') had just done it so I'm sure was copying but I was rather appalled. Zane and I talked about it at home and I told him how hurt the other friend probably was. Hoepfully it doesn't happen again. He can count to 39 with a couple prompts and he can count to 10 in Spanish. He also knows the Spanish word for red, yellow, blue and green. I'm just amazed at what he knows!!! I'm excited for his Christmas program coming up! He did say he has been singing Jingle Bells at school so I guess that's one song he'll be singing! Just can't wait!!!

They really can melt your heart...

Just a moment ago, during Noggin's 'Puzzle Time,' Moose says, "What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?" and Zane says, "Mommy and Daddy." Now, if only I can remember this moment the next time I want to bury my head and cry! :-)